How to wear your Birthday Suit

Leila Peacock

When wet I crinkle like a sun-dried fruit,
Yet am softer that a peach when dry.
I fit better than any tailored suit,
Yet worn alone i’m an offence to some eyes.
What am I?

Style is more than just what you wear, it is an attitude, which means that it applies just as much to when one is wearing nothing at all as when one is decked in tailored cloth. So here are some suggestions on how to wear the most important suit of all…. your birthday suit, i.e. the one that sees you naked as the day you were born.

The invention of nakedness as an abnormal state begins with Adam and Eve. But it should be noted that Eve’s mistake was to eat of the tree of knowledge, it was not called the tree of shame, or the tree of ‘shit I forgot to put some clothes on this morning’, so really its more about knowing what you’ve got and knowing how to flaunt it appropriately. Though Adam and Eve’s first impulse in this regard was rather questionable:

‘And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons.’ (Genesis 3:7)

Aprons? Perhaps not. And any self-respecting seamstress knows that fig leaves are a bitch to stitch.

The rules of nakedness stink of hypocrisy whichever way you spin them. Some orifices must be covered and not others, what about our mouths and ears? Women’s breasts are a no-go but no one blinks twice at a topless man. Are we covering all the parts that scream of sex to protect against impromptu street orgies? Surely everyone knows that what inspires desire is the secret thought of what is hidden from view, not what is plain to see.

One must begin with hair, it is the body’s natural adornment and can be worn and enjoyed for its own sake. You can grow your own fur stole if you choose. Lady Godiva set a simple and elegant example for how best to wear hair. Letting it cascade down from her head and over her nakedness like an upside down dress. Of course if you find that you own hair doesn’t stretch to nipple, let alone to genital regions then a wig will suffice, though you are warned that nylon hair is itchy and highly flammable.

Salome really understood the principle that the promise of nakedness is always more powerful than the reality. She took seven simple veils to cover herself and then removed them one by one. So effective was this subtle strip tease it could drive men to murder for her… as John the Baptist was to discover when she requested his head on a plate.

One’s nakedness can also be complemented by one’s environment. You can literally ‘wear’ the room. Conveniently placed pot plants can double as fig leaves as long as one keeps well away from any thorny bits. Ambient lighting goes a long way, creating shadows that hang seductively over the body’s folds, though the more prudish will always opt for lights out. Then there’s always the option of the blindfold, let the hands become the eyes…

If you are running to the door to let the gasman in then grab the nearest pet… cats work best for this, though care should be taken with their claws.

Then there’s body-paint; spray on clothes are a bit no-no, they make you look like a vicitim of nuclear fall out, like a pair of cheap denim trousers melted right into you. Some people like to go for the sprayed gold look which is better. Though a warning to any solvent-happy can fans… the skin itself is an organ, and thus needs to breathe, you must leave a window of unsprayed skin else you will end up like that poor girl in Goldfinger.

Last but not least there is the nude body stocking, de-sex yourself like a Barbie doll and walk the streets proudly, because who can really complain if they can’t actually see the bits that matter? Some people like to take it that little bit further and go for the nude-coloured Zentai suit but this can end up looking a little like Barbie factory-reject, or a dildo costume.

So as you can see the options are many and varied. Like the emperor and his new clothes, you are encouraged to wear that birthday suit as though it were the very height of fashion.